Colonials (2024)
An unwatchable, unfinished first draft of a science fiction film
2.5
Movie
United States
English
Action, Science Fiction
2024
ANDREW BALEK, JOE BLAND
Daniel Roebuck, Greg Kriek, Jamie Bernadette
80 min
2.5
Emil Hofileña
TLDR
What?
What it's about
After losing his memory from crash landing on Earth, a space colonist joins a resistance group to help save humanity.
The take
Filmmaking is a difficult thing. And there are countless filmmakers—the directors of this film included—who have strong ideas and just need the right time and support to have their vision realized. But there's no other way around it: Colonials was not ready to leave the pre-production phase, much less ready to be released on streaming. Non-existent production values, embarrassing visuals, unfinished sound design that leaves most of the actors muffled and unintelligible, incoherent world building, dumb action, and terrible performances—there really isn't anything worth checking out here. That the film has the gall to tease a potential sequel feels cruel.
What stands out
If there's one lesson that amateur filmmakers (who may be intimidated by the demands of making a feature film) can gain from a misfire like this, it's to invest in the practical, tangible things first, and to make sure one has a script and actors that are competent enough to hold their own no matter the technical challenges that come along the way. Film is frequently compared to theater for a reason; both art forms have foundational elements that help form the core of a story. And Colonials unfortunately works as a great example of how forgoing these foundations can make an already bad movie truly abysmal.
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